The Stress of Uncertainty: Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop

13th September, 2011 - Posted by L. John Mason -

My wife suffers from “terminal” Ovarian Cancer and has fought the disease for the past 8 years. Her first surgeon said she had only 5 years before the disease would defeat her but she has proven this wrong. She is a fighter and she is tough. There have been times when the disease has gotten our attention in rude and painful ways. This lead to 3 major surgeries and many different chemotherapies. We have “gone through” all the traditional “chemos” and are still trying different possibilities. We have managed to continue our lives in ways that can seem “normal” to us and look “normal” to many friends. We hate the disease for requiring so much of our time, energies and emotional resources and for robbing her of some of her dreams. She does not deserve this painful lesson in life.

The stress of living with this disease is not something I would wish on any person or family. But the thing that I am grappling with as I write this article is the stress from the uncertainty as I wait for the “other shoe to drop.” There is no way I can control this situation so the lack of control is stressful. There is no way that we can know the timeline of future events to occur. There is only the painful loss of our “normal” daily routines to deal with crisis and emergencies as the disease builds its way in a deliberate, chess-like approach to killing my wife. We are working to find any resources to stave off the process that was forecast 8 years ago. We are working to learn our lessons so that our lives will prove useful in moving us, our friends, and our family along the path toward the spiritual enlightenment we are “supposed” to be getting from this incarnation. 

So as I write this article I must admit that I am in pain. I suffer from the uncertainty of the future I am resigned that we have to accept. Actually, I think I can see myself surviving but the lack of control is a horrible lesson to be dealing with. I wish that I could do more to help other than ask her if she slept well or if her gut is creating much pain. I wish I could problem solve a solution that will buy us more time because my despair has given up, almost completely, the thought that we will be lucky enough to stumble upon a “cure.” And, my beautiful wife continues to struggle with the inevitable outcome that she does not deserve or is fully emotionally prepared to face. Our fighting reserves are gradually waning,  giving way, and we are confronting the “end of life” decisions. I hate this process. I do not sit still easily, especially waiting for the other shoe to drop. I suffer from my lack of control and my impotence at being unable to help my wife or at least remove her pain and anxiety. I am here to support her but I want to do more. I am distracted. This is uncharted territory for us and this is not the experience of living that we would choose.

Death is the natural outcome to living. Our genetic code makes us fight to survive. Life has many opportunities for pain and suffering as we learn the “lessons” we are supposed to learn, but why do we have to suffer so much? Why does my wife have to be tortured by the process? Why is there no opportunity for grace? My wife is graceful in most situations. Why does getting up in the middle of night for an emergency run to the hospital’s emergency room feel like an adrenaline rush of anxiety that I would not wish on my worst enemy? (Though in truth, I do not have any “worst enemies.”) I hope that you will never find yourself in this situation, but I also know that this is not an uncommon lesson of life. We are not the first or only people to have to deal with a prognosis of death by cancer (or by disease) but I wish you strength and grace as you endure your own version of learning the lessons of living and dying. Remember to tell your family and friends that you love them and enjoy every moment of health and every experience in this life that you can. My wife would say, and has said, do not take life for granted and make to most of your time and the energy that our life allows. Celebrate your health!

Hug your children and tell that you love them.

Life is hard and we must be prepared for loss.

I believe that quite often blogs are written by whining self-absorbed people who believe that their opinions are important for other people to read. This blog may not be any different than the ones described above. I know that I use this venue to rant and to rave about the injustice that I perceive so understand that I have personal pain and awareness that I am sharing. However, I hope that this blog may offer insights that others may be able to learn from… Please do not let your wives, girlfriends, or daughters get ovarian cancer…

Pray for my wife and send her your love and compassion. This gives extra meaning to her struggle.