A Message to Anyone Who Has Lost a Loved One

My beautiful bride has passed. Her struggles in this life are complete and her path will take her to faraway places in freedom and basking in unconditional love. We lived together with our nemesis, ovarian cancer, for more than eight years. Though frustrated and sometimes angry with this disease and the limitations it created for Barbara, we used the experience to grow closer and more trusting of each other. Barbara would not speak openly about this predicament because she did not want it to define her or to be labeled as a victim by this condition.

So now I am left to search for the “new normal.” What to do and where to do it and whom to do it with? Too early to expect any answers, but these questions are on the table. I know that as I write this note I can feel the void where my time and energy once was spent. I feel the loss of my wife, my friend, my lover, and my partner. I feel my own pain which grows from the uncertainty of what my new life, without Barbara, will be like. My beautiful, graceful bride is in a much better place and I feel that I must grind on with my lessons of this lifetime.

I also feel the “overwhelm” of taking care of all the details that face me. For now, I will have to readjust to being the sole person who takes care of me. Barbara had been sharing this responsibility for over 28 years and now I will muddle through the day to day household operations alone. I can do all of this, of course, but sharing the responsibilities with Barbara was an easier path. I will miss the expectation of sharing a meal with her, of watching our television programs with her, and lying next to her each night as we turned out the lights. I miss the simple things like repeating throughout our day that I love her. I miss holding her hand and celebrating a beautiful sunset.

Let it not be said that I am lucky. I have the friends that will support me and help to honor Barbara’s life. I have support from friends and family to bolster me when my emotions may require love and understanding. I am blessed to have my cherished memories and our two sons who were the product of all the years of shared parenting.

I was reminded today by a friend in a telephone call that I will be able to let the current upsets settle and then be able to select new directions and positive goals to move toward. To picture and then achieve a new life filled with service, love, and projects that will give my life purpose and focus. But for now, I must sit with awkward feelings and thoughts, and process them before I can move on.

I feel the need to get some exercise, to “ground out,” and release some of my sadness and anxiety.

Please take good care of yourself.